Addiction

I was very happy when I realized that I was not addicted to Tea. There were days when I didn’t feel like having tea at all.

It made me happy because then my head was under my control. I didn’t something else to freshen me up. Bright sunlight (good sleep usually) does it for me.

Addiction starts from wanting to escape. That’s what I believe. When we are happy with what we are we don’t need some thing external to ourselves to make us happy.

I realized that when I just sat down and thought that I like myself. With all my faults, fears, inadequacies, etc (read the rest of the my blog for what I think are my other shortcomings) I still like myself. And am grateful to myself for giving me the capacity of that joy.

This doesn’t mean that I don’t have issues with me anymore or that there is nothing in the world which makes me happy or sad or I don’t feel like getting an alcoholic high.

It’s just that these things don’t hurt beyond a point. There is that point which I know exists in me which makes me appreciate the world and its beauty and the opportunities of joy it offers.

Not wanting to be charged with theft of ideas I credit the above statement of “not hurting beyond a point” to Fountainhead. Where Roark says that not having Dominique in his life will hurt him immensely but not beyond that point. I love Roark (please don’t confuse Roark with his creator- not a fan of Ayn Rand)

I don’t know why in this world addiction to material substances is looked down upon while addiction to something which makes you “clingy” is not considered to be as serious an issue. I hate it that someone else’s grief/dejection/disappointment makes me thankful that  I am not one to be grieved by such things.

Having just one love in your life is good. But the fact that you can live without that love of your life also is what makes you attractive.

P.S.:- Sorry to be so self-eulogizing but I think it makes a welcome change from the usual self deprecation.

 

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My first post with the thought that someone might read it

A friend once told me that the problem with me was that I never let myself be. That is why different people knew me as a different person.

And the clichéd and overstated “thing” (if any of my college classmates will read this they should at least smile at this) applied to me that you had to meet me to really know me and then I would be different from what you would expect of me. I think that this is just euphemism for saying that I don’t have much personality.

I mean why the hell shouldn’t a person come across as someone who he or she really is. Otherwise it has to be hypocrisy by the common meaning of the term.

Actually I was thinking of something before I was about to write and then suddenly this thought sprang into my head. There must have been some connection with my original thought but I think I must have forgotten it in the loo only. (You just need a moment, even if it is in the loo, to be enlightened you see).

So, the point I was going to write about is the idea which I got from reading Ayn Rand. One may disagree with her on numerous counts but you have to give it to the lady when she says that one is defined by the work one does. And how he does it.

I mean you really have to love what you do to do it well and then it will not be a burden on you. Each person will have to look into his core and find out what is it that actually interests him genuinely.

But then, I wonder, what will happen to the person who feels that he does not want to do anything? I definitely know a person like this, and I am sure that everyone would know even more than one. And what about the people who want to do everything?

Well, I guess this is an answer which each individual has to find on his own. The problem is that one is not exposed to so many things to as to make a choice effectively. More often than not an individual is just able to figure out that he does NOT want to do what he is doing but he is as clueless about what he actually wants to do. Everyone is not lucky enough to “want” to do the conventional things. I guess the person who has a burning desire to become an engineer is the luckiest person in the world or at least in India (disregarding the state of colleges in India, but that is a subject for a more serious blog or a newspaper).

Well, here I am. Sitting in a law college which is considered to be a good one by the people outside. And I am wondering why is it that I had to write what I wrote in my last post.  And I am puzzling over at the question what is that makes the few Mr. Xs and Ms. Ys tick and where is that I am lacking.

The thought that I do not love what I do scares me. Like Hell.

I hope I am just lazy.

 

 

 

 

A major cribbing session

I could think of a 100 different ways to start this post. This also was one of them.

But none of them could in one sentence capture what I wanted to say today.

I am in law school. No one made that decision for me. It was completely mine and I am still so exhilirated at having made that choice on my own that I didn’t realize that there were many more different choices which were waiting to be made.

I don’t know whether this is my fault or someone else’s that I needed someone to sit down and tell me objectively that these are all the things I could do once I start my life and I can make a choice between A, B, or C.

But obviously, if you have gotten the drift, nobody was there. I have always made my choices on my own. This is not something like what Voldemort does. He operated alone because he didn’t need anyone. He alone was not enough.

But in my case the problem is I don’t know where to start. How to phrase my problem in the first place.

When you go to the doctor’s you tell him ok now this is hurting, I seem to have a problem somewhere here. But what do I say?

I still don’t know what the problem is.

Ok maybe the following sentence will somewhat explain it:- I don’t want to be mediocre.

But that’s what I have been throughout my life.

In 12th I was a mediocre student in school. Surrounded by other members of my species but who did not move to any such different place but only to where they found others of their kind.

This is not being derogatory.

Wish I could have been in that place. Where I wouldn’t find myself to be inadequate.

In a smaller pool where I swam the fastest.

But because of some weird connection in the cosmos I got transported here. To a very different world.

Where surprise, surprise I wasn’t the worst.

But I wasn’t the best either.

I am just somewhere hanging in between.

And the first part of my problem is that I don’t like that place between two extremes.

The connection between the best and the worst in the world.

I have the potential to be at one end but the push only to be at the other.

How do some people know instinctively what to do?

Here I am writing about what I wanted to do and there some people are going and doing it.

They just got into law school and decided or didn’t decided, as the case may be, and somehow their place in the world got fixed. And those at both the ends seem satisfied with where they are.

I am not. I am just not able to be.

But try as I might I am not able to be at either end.

I don’t know how to be there at either end.

In one end I am destined to feel I can do better. At the other I am destined to feel I am no good.

This leaves me here where I am.

Like a pendulum swinging between the two ends.

What is it that I need to do?

To love what you are doing is really not as easy as it sounds.

 

Bihar killings

Read an interesting article here.  The recent endless discussions on the Lokpal Bill has taken up most of the media space.

This of course implies that other event, however minor, are left out without ganing the recognition they should. Just because some issues do not involve the rich and the famous or berating the UPA Government (media’s new favourite) does not mean that they do not find mention in the primetime news. Any violation of human rights and democratic principles deserves censure from the people so that such incidents are not repeated.

Being in the news for the wrong reasons brings in some amount of accountability and it is necessary that media recognises its role in reaching out to the people.

This definitely adds to the debate on whether media exists to sell itself or exists to bring relevant news to the people.

Fluffy – the 3 headed monster

There is a character in Fountainhead who is afraid of a big beast whom he doesn’t know how to describe but that was before he met Roark.

Now actually, even I have my own personal beast. And there is no Roark for me. But I know what that beast is.

It is incompetent, vile, insecure, biased, and sadistic. But there is a larger picture I am missing and which if I see I will have no further desire to live.

That fact is that of the other people who feed off this beast. I am afraid of both sets. And I am incapable of winning against either.

And this incapacity is what troubles me all the time. Now here is something I cannot do. (Well, there are many things I cannot do but I feel this is slightly more troubling than not knowing how to draw.)

So I chose the easier route, the latter one in “if you can’t beat them, join them”.

Now let me go and do what it takes. But still I will live with the hope that I get the strength once at least. But knowing that once the fight is gone the battle is also lost.

There’s a nail in my keyboard

Thank God I wasn’t in VT when those crackpots decided to just kill everyone in sight.

I am lucky I guess. But it was horrible seeing those who were not as lucky as I was.

In Riot by Shashi Tharoor one of the characters says that dying isn’t just bad luck- actually when you died you were supposed to be there- (I think that is what he said- sorry don’t remember the exact lines)

Doesn’t this mean that actually a lot of life is just pure chance- that you were born to certain parents, in a certain place, at a certain time and same thing for your parents also- this means that what we get in life is also an obvious consequence of these chances – ergo, another set of probabilities

But the thing is- if not for you someone else would have been there- if it was not Prince Charles who is Prince Charles right now- there would have been someone else who would have been the Queen’s son- after all she has to have a son (not necessarily- but you what I mean)

In fifth standard- I had to say a quote in the morning assembly – I remember the quote but don’t want to write it down it meant that the weak fall prey to the situations around them but the wise use the same to their advantage– But as our favourite professor says we will have to problematize it- who is weak, why is he/she weak, who is weak in one situation may not be weak in another, and so on.

This reminds me of the Quote Unquote section in Reader’s Digest (which in my opinion has been going steadily downhill but still has traces of awesomeness sometimes)

Yeah, well I just wrote this to distract myself of very disturbing questions along the lines of “why me” and also “why not me” and also ..life is so unfair, things are so embarrassing, why I am even here..and blah..(you get the picture, right? if no then it is mostly whiny)

But things will go on- public memory is short (thank god) and I will get more chances- in which even if I don’t get what I want at least I will come to terms with what I am and how much I can get- even if not as brilliant and stud like as I want to be, at least I will be happy with me- and that is all that is required anyway.

If I keep this thought with me then I won’t have to ask the question after the preceding sentence- “isn’t it?”

Yours truly

hmmm…

We don’t realize what we lose when the clock keeps on ticking away. Time is running. Maybe the explanation for this is that we don’t undergo any particular change for a particular period of time. Only when the year itself is about to end, or when we look at the calendar that we realize that we have moved a lot; and only when we are faced with certain situations which test what we have learnt in the past that we realize that we have actually learnt it..

That is the beauty but with that particular sadness of time. We don’t know what is happening to us at that moment.

There are many instances which I remember in isolation, separated from the context and they just sometimes flash through my mind. While that moment was actually happening I couldn’t have figured that this moment will be important to me later in life.

And, in contrast, there are so many things to which I gave undue importance, undue attention, and later I don’t even care to think about them. They have left me unaffected. Or maybe, I’ve taken the lesson but forgotten the moment.

But in the end, what makes me happy and content is that, whether I gave them importance or not there these happy innocent memories which will always remain with me. No matter what I did. And their innocence is increased by the fact that when I was living it; it wasn’t corrupted by any use I may put to it in the future. Then I was living in the moment. Maybe it is this fact that makes me so happy.