I could think of a 100 different ways to start this post. This also was one of them.
But none of them could in one sentence capture what I wanted to say today.
I am in law school. No one made that decision for me. It was completely mine and I am still so exhilirated at having made that choice on my own that I didn’t realize that there were many more different choices which were waiting to be made.
I don’t know whether this is my fault or someone else’s that I needed someone to sit down and tell me objectively that these are all the things I could do once I start my life and I can make a choice between A, B, or C.
But obviously, if you have gotten the drift, nobody was there. I have always made my choices on my own. This is not something like what Voldemort does. He operated alone because he didn’t need anyone. He alone was not enough.
But in my case the problem is I don’t know where to start. How to phrase my problem in the first place.
When you go to the doctor’s you tell him ok now this is hurting, I seem to have a problem somewhere here. But what do I say?
I still don’t know what the problem is.
Ok maybe the following sentence will somewhat explain it:- I don’t want to be mediocre.
But that’s what I have been throughout my life.
In 12th I was a mediocre student in school. Surrounded by other members of my species but who did not move to any such different place but only to where they found others of their kind.
This is not being derogatory.
Wish I could have been in that place. Where I wouldn’t find myself to be inadequate.
In a smaller pool where I swam the fastest.
But because of some weird connection in the cosmos I got transported here. To a very different world.
Where surprise, surprise I wasn’t the worst.
But I wasn’t the best either.
I am just somewhere hanging in between.
And the first part of my problem is that I don’t like that place between two extremes.
The connection between the best and the worst in the world.
I have the potential to be at one end but the push only to be at the other.
How do some people know instinctively what to do?
Here I am writing about what I wanted to do and there some people are going and doing it.
They just got into law school and decided or didn’t decided, as the case may be, and somehow their place in the world got fixed. And those at both the ends seem satisfied with where they are.
I am not. I am just not able to be.
But try as I might I am not able to be at either end.
I don’t know how to be there at either end.
In one end I am destined to feel I can do better. At the other I am destined to feel I am no good.
This leaves me here where I am.
Like a pendulum swinging between the two ends.
What is it that I need to do?
To love what you are doing is really not as easy as it sounds.