There is a character in Fountainhead who is afraid of a big beast whom he doesn’t know how to describe but that was before he met Roark.
Now actually, even I have my own personal beast. And there is no Roark for me. But I know what that beast is.
It is incompetent, vile, insecure, biased, and sadistic. But there is a larger picture I am missing and which if I see I will have no further desire to live.
That fact is that of the other people who feed off this beast. I am afraid of both sets. And I am incapable of winning against either.
And this incapacity is what troubles me all the time. Now here is something I cannot do. (Well, there are many things I cannot do but I feel this is slightly more troubling than not knowing how to draw.)
So I chose the easier route, the latter one in “if you can’t beat them, join them”.
Now let me go and do what it takes. But still I will live with the hope that I get the strength once at least. But knowing that once the fight is gone the battle is also lost.